How to end a relationship without ghosting, according to a sexpert
Anti-ghosting prompts which your therapist will love
FYI: the below was originally published as part of the sex column which I wrote while in-house at a short-lived digital media platform which has since been wiped off the face of the internet.
It’s December, which means we’ll soon be treating ourselves to our annual, guilty pleasure rewatch of The Muppets Christmas Carol. In case you have a modicum of cool and don’t know what this is, it’s the deranged puppet adaptation of a Dickens story wherein a tyrannical boss is visited by ghosts and suddenly believes in workers' rights (an unconventional approach to labour organising, even by Victorian standards).
Admittedly, these are the good kind of ghosts, there to prompt us to have moral fortitude, but what about the bad kind? Those ones that pop up on a dating app and then seem to evaporate as quickly as they once appeared?
Yep, this was all just a very Christmassy way of segueing into a dating crime we’ve all heard about ad infinitum: ghosting. In order to give you a quick refresher, ghosting is when someone seems totally into you but then seems to drop off the face of the Earth: never again reaching out or replying to your messages, maybe even blocking you.
To put this in grown-up terms, it’s when someone decides to end a relationship or connection without telling the other person (or people) and giving them the necessary closure.
The funny thing is, we focus so much on the experience of being ghosted (triggering for the anxiously attached among us) but not so much on the fact that many of us are serial micro-ghosters.
Can’t be bothered to reply to that girl who bore her soul to you on Hinge? Sneakily unmatched that guy whose tobacco-flavoured vape give you the ick? Ignoring the genderqueer barista who criticised your choice of alternative milk on your coffee date last week?
Yep, given that they can’t read your mind and you’ve certainly not sent any texts for them to micro-analyse, there’s a chance that they are experiencing this as a form of ghosting. Especially if they were previously wowed by your wit and charm, of course.
One of the basic tenets of accountability is recognising that we all have the capacity to cause harm and be harmed. And you, my friend, may be causing your fair share of emotional harm. The solution? Be an adult and clearly communicate how you feel whenever it is safe to do so.
If you don’t think you’ve known someone long enough to have to explain your behaviour, I have an inconvenient truth to reveal: everyone deserves clarity and honesty as a bare minimum.
Sexpert-approved anti-ghosting texts
As it turns out, people on TikTok have already come to this conclusion. The tag "antighost" has millions of views on the app, and is filled with people giving examples of the texts they might send to someone to tell them after one or two dates that they're not really feeling it and won't be pursuing things further.
It's worth flagging that plenty of people on the app seemed to be of the opinion that, after four or five dates, you should probably have a conversation with someone to break things off, rather than just send a text.
So, to give you some more info on how to nicely break up with someone, we called up Bumble’s Sex and Relationship expert Dr Caroline West. Unsurprisingly, she's a major advocate for communication and closure. Would consulting Chat also do the job? Maybe….but, increasingly, people are able to recognise AI-generated breakup texts/messages etc…
So, here’s what the expert said:"When it comes to ending things with a love interest, it’s important to strike the right balance of being honest about how you feel, whilst also being kind and considerate - spare them the details if you think that it could hurt their feelings," she explains.
It's also important to try and sweeten the message - without giving the other person any false hope. "Try to weave in a compliment when you message them, ensuring it centres around the date itself rather than them as a person, in order not to send mixed messages," Dr West adds. "For example, ‘I really enjoyed swapping White Lotus fan theories with you last night…’ followed by a short and concise message as to why you’d not like to take things further."
Below, discover three anti-ghosting texts (each for a different situation) to send to whoever you've been seeing so that you can "tell them where your head's at and they can move on."
If you feel that your values or goals in life are too different: "Thanks so much for the drinks last night - was so good to chat about [insert mutual interest here]! However, I think we’re maybe going in different directions right now though, but I wish you all the best."
If it’s clear there was no mutual spark, try something like: "Was great to get to know you a little better. Ultimately, though, I think we’re better as friends, but thanks for spending your evening with me."
Or maybe you’re dating around and aren’t sure if you want to commit to this person any longer: "Really enjoyed our date last night, but I want to be honest and just let you know that I think we should end things here, as I’m still figuring out what I want.
A little something about me:
FYI: I publish a free Substack essay, feature or interview every week, generally Monday 8am UK time.
I’m Megan (they/them): a Scottish writer specialising in the erotic. I’ve been running my Substack, PULP, for around a year but I’ve been writing professionally for quite a bit longer. My bylines include British GQ, CNN, British Vogue, The Guardian, etc.
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