Is everyone too disorganised to be a slut now?
Sex recession, schmex recession, chaotic schedules are the *real* reason we can’t get laid.
If you know me, you will be aware that I almost always arrive 20 minutes late with no charger but my phone on 5%. If, worse still, you’ve been on a date with me, you’ll know I’m a terrible texter, and will probably have to transfer £12 from my savings into my current account in order to be able to pay for a vodka soda. (If that sounds relatable then, welcome to the realisation that Brat validates your debilitating character flaws!)
In short, I am not very organised and I know, for a fact, that I am not alone in my disposition. It might be re-labelled as “feral”, “chaotic” or, as is the current tendency on TikTok, “Type B”, but disorganised folks are everywhere.
~I couldn’t help but wonder~ if we can’t be trusted to get to our departure gate before it closes (true story) or go to the dentist, how can we manage our dating lives?
YouTube explainer videos, podcasts aimed at millennials and comment journalism have served as the seven trumpets of the so-called “sex recession” for some years now. If you are blissfully unaware as to what a “sex recession” is, congrats! Let me catch you up. In short, there are some indicators that suggests that Gen Z is having less sex than their predecessors – from a supposed decline in one-night-stands to the rise of a bunch of different celibacy-adjacent movements propelled by TikTok, from semen retention to being “boy sober”.
While there have been signs that the sex recession has run its course (rising STI rates being one) there still seems to be a reticence towards committing to being a slut as a way of life. It’s increasingly acceptable to talk about your favourite sex toy or your predilection for feet but actually going out there and getting laid multiple times a week? Not so much. Partly, imo, it’s because of all the work that’s involved – they call them dick appointments, not “dick-appearing-whenever-you-want-it-without-any-effort” after all.
“There’s just so much responding and admin to keep a roster” - Emma*
As any dating expert will tell you, communication – whether it’s chatting boundaries or good old fashioned flirting – is what will help you secure a good sexual encounter. But this can also be exhausting. According to 28-year-old Emma*, the incessant messaging and communication involved in casual dating can be a major turn-off – especially when she’s too busy to keep track of all the men in her phone. “There’s just so much responding and admin to keep a roster,” she shares. “I have been all over the place since this summer and weirdly every guy would quadruple text me if I didn’t get back. It annoyed me.”
Whenever we download The Apps™ onto our phones, the glistening prospect of no-strings sex flutters on the horizon of our libidinal imagination. Alas, this is only a mirage. Dating apps helped us broaden our dating pools and gave the appearance of slotting sex into the convenience economy. However, they also introduced us to the concept of dating admin: the need to swipe through an app to find potential sexual partners, then message them to make sure they are not morally suspect or a practising cannibal or something, then liaise with them to find a suitable time to meet. Forget holding auditions for the dating roster, we should be holding auditions for love life project managers.
“Dating apps are supposed to be low investment, but the reality is they’re not,” says Dr Liesel Sharabi, the Relationships and Technology Lab at Arizona State University. “All that swiping and messaging just to find someone you want to meet in person can be incredibly time consuming. The “perpetual dating” these apps encourage can make people feel like they always have to be available and responsive or risk missing out on ‘the one.’”
“Everyone in London is kinda busy all the time – unless maybe they're a bit lame, in which case you don't want to date them anyway.” - Michael
Naturally, this state of affairs disadvantages the disorganised – a particularly cruel form of natural selection. It’s also the case that it’s hard to be a top shagger when you have other things going on – namely, work, side hustles, hobbies or trying to see friends who live at least a 40 minute commute from you. As 24-year-old Daisy* explains, it’s hard to actively prioritise sex. “In my own relationship I feel like we’re always too busy with back to back plans to find a time that’s relaxed enough for sex,” she explains. “I’ve noticed it’s the same for my friends who are starting to date someone. Dates are planned weeks apart and people aren’t going home with people so much on nights out because they have to be at work or they have other plans the next day.”
And not to bring it all back to capitalism but thinking about the bills you have to pay, or the career milestones you want to hit, really is libido kryptonite. According to 27-year-old Michael, this is the number one reason why folks in London, where he is based, don’t seem to be getting any. “I think everyone in London is kinda busy all the time – unless maybe they're a bit lame, in which case you don't want to date them anyway,” he says. “People come here to work on a career that is really important to them, and it's hard to make that work, so inevitably dating can fall by the wayside.”
“Every polyamorous person goes through a period of having to radically shift how they organise their time.” - Leanne Yau
But what does it look like if you do prioritise sex and dating? And what can wannabe sluts learn from these sex positivity evangelicals? If you’ve ever been to a munch, you’ll know that lifestyles like kink or polyamory involve a *lot* of work – from taking courses on skills like bondage, to slowly saving up to accumulate a latex wardrobe, to managing your schedule when you have not one but two (or more) partners.
To learn more, I turned to Leanne Yau, a polyamory advocate and certified sex and relationships educator (you may have seen her post non-monogamy advice videos and memes under the handle @polyphiliablog). It’s kind of a long-running joke that poly folks are organised to a fault, that they spend more time syncing Google calendars than having sex. But according to Leanne, it’s no joke. “Every polyamorous person goes through a period of having to radically shift how they organise their time,” they explain. “In order to do polyamory sustainably, ethically and healthily, organisation is absolutely essential.”
Not to get all first-year-undergrad-queer-studies here, but polyamory and non-monogamy force you to reconsider one of the fundamental principles of monogamy: that you have one romantic partner who is automatically more entitled to your free time than anyone else. “It's still relatively socially acceptable to prioritise your partner, time-wise, over everyone else,” Leanne explains. “However, if you are in a dynamic where you have multiple partners, suddenly you don't have one option to default to anymore.”
What that means in polyamory is actually having to make plans and stick to them, rather than being a flake or one of those ~go with the flow~ types. “You have to be much more intentional about your time and communicate this to multiple parties so they aren’t going to be let down,” Leanne says. “Scheduling becomes really important because it's about communicating expectations ahead of time.”
If all this planning is a bit too daunting for the casual wannabe sluts among us, maybe it’s not just about the organisation. It could well be a sign of a lack of commitment, at least that’s what accredited psychotherapist and clinical sexologist Chris Sheridan thinks. “Poor organisational skills can signal a lack of commitment or emotional availability,” they explain. “Consistent, thoughtful planning demonstrates that you value potential connections. It's not about perfect scheduling, but about showing intentionality and respect for both your time and your potential partners’.”
Yep, you might not just be disorganised in lifestyle but in attachment, too…
So, how to take some simple steps to recommit to the idea of dating (and shagging)? Chris has some simple pointers ranging from “set clear boundaries around work and personal time” to “embrace low-pressure, flexible date options that integrate with your lifestyle”. All of that sounds simple enough, but the main thing is knowing not to force yourself into dating or fucking around if you don’t want to. It’s perfectly okay to hunker down with a vibrator rather than venturing out into the world of potential rejections, dating admin and needing to manage our schedules.
After all, being a slut is a gift, a skill, a privilege – and not all of us can rise to the challenge.
*Names have been changed.