The magnetic appeal of a partner who doesn’t love you

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by... anxious attachment styles

So, The White Lotus S3 just happened. But, you knew that already. It was hard to miss, largely due to the content mill of think pieces it inspired - with topics like the ‘new 40’ and the cultural fear of ageing, ‘eat the rich’ satire not going far enough, MAGA style, toxic longtime besties, having differing political opinions to said toxic besties and, of course, how you cannot fix him.

The ‘him’ in question here is Rick: the withholding middle-aged partner, played by Walter Goggins, to hot, perennially optimistic former yoga teacher Chelsea (Aimee Lou Wood). Yes, the duo perfectly play out the familiar hetero dynamic of a man who seriously doesn’t have his shit together paired with a woman who really seems to want to be his mother: pandering to his weird whims, excusing his bizarre behaviour, and generally putting her life on hold to service his needs.

Buuuuuut: there is a bit of a difference here. Not only does the age gap emphasise the absurdity of Chelsea’s impulse to be a surrogate mother, it’s clear that Rick does not want a wifey. He is categorically not after a woman who can clean up after him or provide any emotional support. He’s a divorcé who’s kind of been-there, done-that.

Instead, he just wants a hot woman who he can pick up when he wants and drop when he doesn’t, plus a regular source of sex. After all, this guy doesn’t even share the real reason why he’s come to Thailand until considerably into their stay, leaves Chelsea on her own for considerable stints of time, and makes it obvious that she just…pisses him off most of the time. (Let’s not even discuss the snake thing).

This isn’t really a situation where a woman is being used to support a man’s self-growth: Rick doesn’t learn anything from this whole charade, and dies before he can do any self-reflection. Rick still thinks that he is a lone wolf against the world. Chelsea, on the other hand, has made Rick her whole world. The cautionary tale here is that Chelsea thinks she is the wife when really she’s the side piece - his primarily relationship being with his own emotional baggage.

More broadly, Chelsea is symptomatic of a wider epidemic in the dating sphere: when you just can’t accept that it’s a fling! When you cannot compute that it’s really not that deep, despite every aspect of your partner’s behaviour suggesting that they don’t really care about you. It’s giving He’s Just Not That Into You with a generous dose of “he wanted to, he would”.

But…I’m not judging!! We have allllll been there: in fact, I would say there is no purer love than pining after the emotionally unavailable (it mirrors religious devotion to a point). The point where it becomes problematic? Gaslighting yourself into thinking your feelings will ever be reciprocated or, to be real, that a reciprocal dynamic is what you really want.

After all, if you’re repeatedly in dynamics where your partner is withholding and doesn’t seem to care for you; where your boyfs are always distant, uncaring and secretive; where your gfs seem irked by sharing the same air as you….well, then you’ve got to stop blaming this issue on external factors. If you end up in the same situation, time after time, with different partners, then it may well be a you problem.

I remember being in a relationship with someone who didn’t really care for me. The relationship coincided with a catastrophic, Melancholia-style depression and I remember explaining to my therapist that my partner’s emotional stonewalling and inability to take care of themselves kind of…gave me something to work towards. I even likened it to having a child or a pet: I needed to stay alive so that I could keep this other being alive, and maybe even help them unlock a level of emotional vulnerability so they could lead a happier life. Clearly, a) I was not well and b) this was about me, not them.

I’m of the opinion that compulsively tending to a partner’s emotional/spiritual garden, beseeching them to go to therapy, to talk about their feelings etc is just a form of emotional projection: we’re all just trying to look after the inner child that we have neglected, using our immature, misguided partners as proxy.

So, here’s the question: are you ready for a proper partnership, one that involves you opening up, ditching the saviour act and communicating your needs? Or do you find enough joy from the Sisyphean act of chipping away at a partner’s well-guarded emotional fortress? The choice is yours…