What I've learned from a decade of writing about dating and relationships
From situationships to friend breakups: this is what you need to know.
Note: This newsletter contains sponsored content.
Love, relationships and heartbreak…these have to be the most written-about topics in the history of literature. Sex, however, in all of its sticky, fleshiness, still seems to evade language: rather than being able to transmute its power into words, we often fall back on the cliches of smutty romance, or the cold clinicism of therapyspeak.
As challenging as it is to write about sex, I’ll never stop trying: especially in this current moment, where social media platforms sanitise any discussion of intimacy, forcing us to police our own words and constraining our thinking to escape the shadow of censorship. I’m also grateful to have been able to dedicate myself to this niche.
I started writing some time in late 2016, when I was far too young to have any real experience of anything. Since then, I’ve encountered romantic dysfunction and endless rejection, but have also been wined-and-dined and swaddled in affection. In short, I’ve grown up, and discovered just how much dating and relationships aren’t about being fully formed as a human being, but about muddling your way through as best you can, and transforming in the process.
Parallel to my various romantic escapades – a second date which involved a plane ticket comes to mind – I’ve been able to use my career to strengthen my own understanding of what sex and relationships can look like. Over the years, I’ve gleaned advice from countless sexologists and relationship therapists, interviewed swingers and hotwifers, attended sex tech conferences…for this Substack alone I’ve visited England’s last porn theatre, chatted to Erika Lust in her Barcelona office and attended porn film festivals. There were even nine months when I worked at Cosmopolitan UK, a professional flash in the pan I won’t stop dining out on.
That’s all to say that I’ve learned a few things, and I’m here to impart that wisdom. I’m generally sceptical about a lot of the sex tips and romantic advice I see online, especially on TikTok, which generally seems to involve the emotional depth of a teaspoon. I’m not a sexologist or a relationship therapist but I’m a writer who takes love and intimacy seriously: here are 9 things I think you should know about sex and dating.
(Reminder: I run a sex and relationships agony aunt column, and you can submit your dating dilemmas here.)
9 pieces of dating and relationship advice you need to hear.
You do not need to settle down straight away. Yes, some people get married at an early age and live long, happy lives. But, in 2026, this is the exception and not the rule. Plus, waiting can be a positive. Pining, yearning, breakups, makeups, unrequited love, casual dating, getting rejected, chasing someone unavailable…these are all major learning experiences. You need to take some time to figure out who you are and what you want. And, besides, imagine how badly your life would have turned out if you married the first person you had a crush on?
Timing is everything. With that in mind, you need to know that the single most important factor in finding a long-term relationship is timing. Are they ready? Are you ready? Has their ex resurfaced? What crisis is going to divert you, or them, from pursuing the relationship with an open heart? Are you ready to move forward at the same pace? Timing and circumstance are what govern our love lives.
If the first couple of dates involve alcohol, pick a sober activity the next time you hang out. It can be difficult to know if you truly click with someone if booze, or any other substances, are involved. In order to really see if there’s something really there, grabbing a coffee or heading to a gallery can help you see if the conversation flows just as naturally without drink. (Meeting up in the daytime also removes the sexual expectation, and you can gauge whether they’re really interested in you, or in hooking up.)
Learn about the different types of desire, and identify which one comes more naturally to you. With the popularisation of various self-help books, everyone seems to know their attachment style and love language (if not, maybe look those up). However, we also need to get to know our desire type, and whether we experience spontaneous (unprompted) or contextual (developing in response to stimuli) desire. This can help you understand how long it takes you to get into the mood, especially in contrast to any partners, and approach sex from a more considered and planned-out lens.
Look after your sexual health. This one sounds boring and, yeh, it kind of is, but it’s important all the same. If you’re sexually active with multiple partners, be sure to get regularly tested and be able to communicate your status to whoever you’re sleeping with. Make sure you have protection on you (in your bag, in your car, in your bedside drawer) and it can also help to have a stock of pregnancy tests and emergency contraception: just make sure you check the expiry dates on everything before you use them. Lastly, remember that you should only use water or silicone-based lube with condoms, as other types of lube are more likely to make the condom break.
Do not abandon your friends, or your life, when you get in a relationship. Do not (I repeat, do not) allow yourself to be swallowed up by whatever romantic or sexual entanglement you end up in. Do not ditch your friends. Do not let your hobbies fall by the wayside. Do not avoid your deadlines or neglect your parents or let go of your sense of identity. Not only will this make a breakup hit one hundred times harder, it gets more difficult each time you have to completely rebuild your life after another relationship ends. Besides, keeping a sense of identity differentiation – retaining the you and I amongst the us – makes for a much healthier relationship anyway.
You are only in your situationship because you want to be. I’m sorry! (You have to let it go, further reasoning here.)
The most important part of sex is communication, closely followed by enthusiasm. If you want to be good at sex, listening to your partner is the only way to go. Pay attention to all their cues, their breathing, their body, and explicitly ask them what they want you to do to them. If you want to have better sex, work out what you want and ask for it. And if you’re having a good time, show it.
If you’re decentring men/women/any other gender, you need a good toy. Obviously, not everyone experiences sexual desire in the same way or at all. If you are the sort of person who feels the urge every once in a while, but you’re taking a time out from dating, I really recommend using some of the money you’ve saved from going out for drinks/dinner/coffee with whoever you’ve just met on a dating app and invest it into a toy of your choice.
*Note: This segment is sponsored by The Natural Love Company*
If you don’t know where to start your sex toy journey, let me introduce you to The Natural Love Company.
In my years as a sex and relationships writer, I’ve tested countless sex toys, and I’m always pleasantly surprised when I discover a new brand which is intuitive, well designed, and beautifully made.
The Natural Love Company (TNLC) is one such brand, with a range of artful toys that also happen to have impressive eco credentials: the best-selling range is made from recycled ocean plastic core, and the company offers a scheme for recycling your pre-loved toys.
They recently sent me the Cassia dual-ended and curved wand. It’s made from soft silicone and has a flexible head for clit stimulation, with another insertable end catered to the ‘G-Spot’. (Keep in mind that the toy is also dual-motor, so each end has its own vibration patterns and you can fully switch-up how you use the toy).
Speaking about toys can feel cliché, so I think the most important thing to get across is that it actually works — very well. In terms of settings, it has an impressive 10 vibration rhythms and a whisper quiet mode, so there’s plenty to experiment with and the vibrations are pleasantly rumbly.
There’s also the practicality of it all: it’s fully waterproof, easily rechargeable, and a more manageable size than other wands on the market. It’s a double-use toy, so you’re basically getting two for the price of one, while the silicone is velvety smooth to touch.
Finally, a note on style. Wands don’t really have a reputation for being elegant or sophisticated, and the Cassia really breaks with that stereotype to create something which feels a lot more elevated.
If you’re new to wands, the Cassia is going to be a canon event.